All That Glistens
by blue-eyedinnocent-sinner
Summary: Title may change...this is going to be post S4. I was slowly drifting…drifting far away from this chaotic, cruel world. What happened to me? Jude is in London, but what happens when she gets the shock of her life? Or when new secrets are unveiled? Plz R
1. Prologue

_A/N: This is a new idea I got..._

**Prologue**

* * *

I was slowly drifting…drifting far away from this chaotic, cruel world. What happened to me? What did I do to deserve such a fate? I believed that this was the right thing for me, something I needed to do on my own. Something that would bring me an entirely new life; something that was long overdue. I needed this – more than anything. But if that were the case, then why does it feel so wrong? Why do I feel like time is just dragging on, not dragging, just not necessary? It's as if time is something I no longer need, same with food. I just feel like my body can no longer withstand it.

It felt as if – not only the world was flipped upside down – but also it wasn't spinning at all. As if the roller coaster has been stopped and I'm hanging suspended in the air upside down; the fear of losing my grip a very ominous sensation in my stomach and extending down to my toes.

As if I wasn't feeling miserable enough. I felt angry with myself. Angry for letting him go, angry for hurting him, and angry for leaving the way I did. I was sad – more than sad – that I'd finally gotten everything I'd ever wanted from him and so much more, and I let it go; threw it to the wind. I felt guilty, and desperate for him to call me, and blocked in concentration, and several other emotions all at once. The impact of the emotions all at once was beyond overwhelming.

But I could live with those. I woke up in the mornings, pushing them away and getting ready for my day. I went to the studios at Bermondsey Records and tried to work my hardest. When the day was done, I'd come home, eat, watch TV, try to write, and finally pass out. Then, I'd start all over again. This morning was different. This morning I got the call, and it changed my life. I honestly don't believe that I'll ever have a chance at happiness again. Not ever.

The moment I got off the phone, I dropped it on the counter and walked into the kitchen to finish cleaning. I had an appointment with the manager of my new possible-band. I followed through with the meeting and went through my day pretty normal. I think my mind was refusing to wrap around those simple words Sadie had spoken. Simple? There was nothing simple about it. It was some cruel joke. What kind of heartless bastard would joke about something like this? Why? Maybe I deserved it after the way I left…just left him.

It wasn't until the night before my flight back home – three days after it supposedly happened, two after it came to my realization – that it finally hit me…with full force. I was watching a TV show and sort of dozing, when I finally decided to go to bed. I stood up, and looked up at the bookshelf. My empty bookshelf. I had only been living here for two months, so I hadn't yet gotten around to decorating. However, I had some important, framed photographs on the top shelves. One of my family, one of SME, one of Jamie, one of Patsy and I, one of Karma and Spied's wedding, and a few of me and Tommy. I couldn't bear to put them away. I had to see them, to remember that what we had, who we were, was real. It really happened.

I paused, scanning the pictures and hesitating on the ones with Tommy and me. But there was one in particular that stood out, the one that had been taken the morning after he proposed. I had almost forgotten this picture. I was wrapped in his arms, both of us smiling uncontrollably, with the new diamond glistening on my finger. We were both glowing… As I looked at this picture, it finally clicked. I felt the weight crushing me and suddenly it was hard to breathe. My legs moved me to my bathroom where I crumpled up on the floor. I finally – FINALLY – let the tears flow. The screams of pain, the violent spasms rippling through me, the crushing weight on my heart shredding it to pieces before burning them…I let it all out. After awhile, the tears flowed much slower and the shaking stopped. I lay on the cold, tiled floor, feeling more numb than I ever thought imaginable. My whole body felt as if I'd just suffered a brutal torture and was shutting down to avoid feeling anymore. I lay there for what felt like hours, before finally sitting up. My throat was so tight, and my chest felt like it'd been ripped open and left lying on the floor.

As soon as I sat straight, I felt a sudden sting shoot through my stomach. I opened the lid of the toilet and emptied the contents from my belly. I lay back, pressing my face against the cold wall, hoping to calm myself down. I stood up to the sink, rinsed my face and mouth, before walking to the bed and collapsing onto it. I couldn't believe this. How? How the fuck could something so…_horrible_ happen? How? WHY? WHAT DID I DO? Why?

I screamed these unanswered questions to my ceiling, begging to know why…begging for a reason that seemed good enough. No reason would EVER be good enough. I knew sleep would never come, but it eventually did. The screaming subsided, and I fell into a restless, and shallow sleep. No dreams tonight. I couldn't allow this. I WOULDN'T allow it. I would refuse to believe it. It had to be – no matter how cruel – a joke. It just had to…this can't be real, can't be happening. Not to me…no.

As the darkness finally swept me under, I prayed it would never let me go. I didn't want to feel…couldn't handle the pain. I couldn't. I prayed I would never wake up.

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone. This is a new fic I've decided to start. I have a huge plan for this one…and it's post-finale so…that's exciting. This one is not going to be cheery, I'll warn you now, though you've probably guessed that by now. I will try to continue on my other fics. Right now I really want to work on BlueEyed Surprise and Just A Dream. I love my other fics; I'm just not sure where to take them yet. So thank you for your patience. I wanted to work on writing a lot while I was on vacation, but it was difficult without having my own computer. And when I returned home, my Internet was disabled so I am so sorry for the longest delay in the history of long delays. I still love you guys, and I'm really thinking about my stories. I want to continue all of them so much, but it's very difficult. Some of them I haven't thought about plots for in over a year, so it's not easy. I'll try though and I cannot promise anything. Right now I want to work on my three latest stories and especially get this one started. I have not forgotten my other popular two and should have updates soon-ish. So, this fic takes place post-finale, about seven weeks after Jude left for her rockstar life. Everything else is the same, so just keep reading. The situations with everyone else are the same as the show left them. Anyways, hope y'all enjoy this fic. I am really looking forward to writing this one. More so than the others; I've got a huge plot set up. Thanks for the patience…thank you guys so much. As always I love reviews. Even I can see how much my writing's improved even in just the last year and I thank you for that._

_**NEW NOTE: I found out it is actually Bermondsey Records...seeing as Bermondsey is a place in London...so yeah. Sorry...I'm very picky about that stuff so I fixed it. I should have Chapter One up soonish...guys sorry. School started and ugh...high school is so not fun. Least not for my writing... Thanks to my two reviewers..hopefully we'll get more as we go on, eh? **_

_Much love,_

_XoXo,  
Nicole_


	2. Chapter 1: Breakaway, Part One

_A/N: Presenting chapter one, Breakaway. I do not own Kelly Clarkson's song. I just thought it would fit Jude's "let me spread my wings and fly off to London" feelings. Oh, and the photography quote is not mine, either. I do not own Instant Star, I just live and breathe for it…_

**Breakaway Part One**

(Eight weeks earlier)

Who knew being a full-fledged rockstar would mean really being alone? I knew it would be difficult, but I never assumed it would be so _lonely_. Sitting on the plane, I felt a strange mixture of relief, excitement, and nerves. It's not all unusual…but I wasn't expecting the sudden fear to overcome me. I was afraid…terrified. Who am I kidding? I can't do this alone, totally alone. I'm not a kid anymore, I'm an adult who can make her own decisions, but I still can't necessarily do everything on my own. Not yet, anyways. It's not easy to tell yourself to let go of everything you've ever known and loved. How can this be the right thing to do?

Am I making a mistake? With leaving everyone? With leaving Tommy? I know this is going to be good for me – learning to be me, Jude, and not half of Jommy – but is it the best thing? Am I truly ready to stand on my own? Can I bring myself to say goodbye to him…forever? Will he ever let me in again? All these questions remain unanswered…and it kills me. It's slowly eating away – gnawing – at my heart. Where is my rock, my comforter, and my warmth? Well, stupid me…I let him go.

I'm not exactly proud of the way I left, either. I hurt him…badly. That was wrong. Yes, he's hurt me, but…. I still should have talked to him. Instead I publicly hurt him. Not that my fans knew that we were engaged or I was hurting him, they didn't have any clue about what was going on between Tommy and me, if anything was. But it's the fact that he knew. He knew I was saying goodbye, in front of people, so he couldn't argue about it with me. He just left… his heart being shattered with every step he took. And it was all my fault.

I kept his ring. I planned to. In my mind I wasn't breaking off the engagement. I'm just not ready to settle down yet, and he is. He's had his fair share of experiences and I've yet to have any. But I know for a fact that when I am ready to settle down, I want to be with him. Always…forever. He's my one and only. I love him so much; I can't let go. I just can't. I can only hope that he understood that. There was no way he'd talk to me after the way I hurt him. At least not this soon. I will continue trying to reach him, though. He's going to have to answer eventually. He can't get rid of me that easy.

I've been flying for hours and I've become so restless. I've written – or started – eight songs now. There's one here that's got great potential, though. It's about me breaking away from home and realizing my dream. I think I'll record this one. I'm really nervous about starting over. Who will my band be? Who'll be my producer? Will I get to produce or co-produce myself? I'm just so…. scared, of everything. It's all completely new to me. I've been with Tommy for so long; he became my life in many ways.

I reach into my carry-on bag that's sitting beside me and pull out my photo album. Carefully opening the cover, I flip to the first page, which reads:

_"Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.__" _

That really makes me reflect. I mean, I really feel like pictures are a great way – my only way – of connecting to the ones I love, the ones I've left behind and the memories we shared. I actually have two of these albums: one from home, and one for my new life. New life… it almost sounds like I'll never come home. I wonder if I ever will.

I flip to the pages of the album and reminisce at the pictures from my childhood and of my family. I laugh at the craziness of Jamie, Kat, and I and of the SME boys. I come across a few shots that my parents must have taken the night I won Instant Star. I turn to the most important pictures; the ones of Tommy and I. I really stop and relive every one of these moments. I don't even realize it when I start crying; allowing soft tears to escape down my cheeks.

Knowing I was going to have to hurt, I dove into the freezing cold waters. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to leave him, I knew. But, I felt like I had to – HAD – to be me. On my own; all on my own. Oh…who am I fooling?

I sigh and put the album back into my bag. Leaning back into the surprisingly soft cushions of the first-class seat, I close my eyes, hoping that my dreams will be less confusing, and happier.

* * *

I blink back early morning sunlight, as the attendant's voice sounds over the plane, welcoming us to a beautiful sunny day in London. I gather my few things and make my way off the plane, and down to the baggage claim. My night's sleep did wonders for me. I feel excited and…almost adventurous. This really is going to be an adventure. I find my luggage and walk out to where a limousine is already awaiting me. The entire ride, I can't stop thinking about how different the studios at Bermondsey are going to be compared with the ones at GMajor.

Luckily, for me I was fully welcomed to Bermondsey and had movers help me settle in, so I was finished by evening. I sat back in my bedroom and pulled out some of my framed pictures. Gently arranging them on the bookshelves, I am once again filled with sorrow. I really can't decide how this makes me feel. It's too complex. I unpack a few more "loose" items and – finally – settle in for the night. I retire early; knowing tomorrow will be an even longer day. I close my eyes, wondering what my first day would be like. Would it be scarier than was my first day at GMajor? Or not because I was used to these sort of things by now?

* * *

I roll over and glance at the too-bright numbers glaring back me. They read 1:58. There's no light filtering through my window and I throw back the covers to stand up. I suddenly and randomly feel restless. I need to do something… and I think I know exactly what. I turn on the light and let my eyes adjust to the abrupt change before heading to the dark living room. I flick on a light and open the drawer to the dark wood desk. I reach in and grab a handful of sheets of paper and a pen, before ambling back into my room.

I prop myself comfortable on my bed, the paper in front of me, and I open my mind. I glance back at the clock and see it read: two a.m. I smile sadly, and turn back to my paper.

"Come on, Jude. You can do this." I encouragingly whisper to myself. I wipe one lone tear, and start writing my thoughts. Hopefully I can conjugate a song out of them. I spend three hours on it, before finally wiping the eraser marks off and reading it. I smile, set the paper on the bedside table, turn out the light, and settle back into a light sleep.

Tomorrow, I'll record the song. Tomorrow is a new day.

* * *

_A/N: I know short, I'm so sorry. Guys this'll only be part one…I'll have part two up as soon as I can. School's hectic…. hopefully things'll slow down soon. I just posted this fast, I really wanted to update. Seeing how many favorites I have on other things and as an author really boosted me to work on stuff. Thanks for the patience…_

_Love always, _

_Nicole_


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